Is it time we got better at endings?

It’s April 2016, and I’m sitting in the old drawing room of W H Smith’s house near Henley-on-Thames. I’m nearing the end of the taught content sections of my Masters degree, with two years of wonderful, eventful, meaningful and life-changing explorations coming to an end.

47 people (plus lecturers) are freely exchanging in the room, lit wonderfully by an amazing spring sunshine. Our Professor in Coaching and Behavioural Change starts with a “welcome”, immediately followed by outlining what we’d be looking at for the next 3 hours.

“Today we’re going to talk about Endings”…and instantly I’m sure I can hear the almighty thud of sombreness slam into the hardwood floor as the room realises we’re going to talk about the elephant in the room.

For me, this section was one of the most profound – changing my perspective on a subject and aspect of life I’ve often avoided talking into.

Now, I’m not going to recite the whole 3 hours to you. Instead, I’d like to invite you who is reading this to pause for a moment and consider the 3 thoughts that have come up for you when you think about something you deeply enjoy, love or care for ending.

For me, in W H Smith’s drawing room, I felt sadness, a lump in my throat and lostness. I was sad that one of the most enjoyable periods of my learning life was coming to an end.

I looked at my student peers, recalled the stories (both good and hard) and shared experiences that had led to those memories being created, and a feeling of an emptiness in front of me because I had not consciously engaged with the phase beyond this module.

Over those 3 hours, we explored the psychological patterns that primarily appear when an ending appears (avoidance, prolonging, internalising, disowning) and what we can do to move with endings.

In today’s ever-changing world, I notice the greater need for leaders to be able to hold the space to recognise, appreciate and transition through endings. Be it a project, employment phase or fleeting moment of connection ending, are leaders missing the opportunity for rapidly building momentum into the next phase by leaving the emotional journey of endings unconsolidated?

When that session finished in my Masters, I knew I was readily prepared to head into the research section of the degree. The feelings experienced throughout the programme so far had been surfaced, underpinned and appreciated - left in a positive metaphorical urn that would sit on my mental mantelpiece of life’s great moments.

And I must admit, my energy to take on the next chapter was far greater than if I’d stumbled through the unstructured calamity by which I’d previously experienced endings.

So what could you do as a leader if you made space for endings?

My recommendations:

1. Structure 1 hour for the team together with one simple agenda item – As we come to this ending, what would you each like to say?

2. Invite everyone to write down 3 things they are leaving with that will serve them well in their next chapter?

3. Ask everyone to write down one behaviour, emotion, belief or memory they want to leave behind from their collective time together, and leave in a small box as they leave the meeting (bonus points if you then go and safely cremate these notes)

The outstanding thought I was left with from my Masters about endings is that endings are an inevitable part of life, and despite what emotion they might bring, that emotion is exactly the source of energy that needs to be captured and called upon as you enter the next phase – for when we choose not to give our conscious the space to acknowledge the endings we experience, we limit our conscious’s capacity to fully embrace what’s next.

Graham